Sunday, April 13th 2025: Socializing, Thoughts, Myself

It's the morning after a late night chatting with friends. I've missed them so much. It makes me reminisce about our old college days. To be frank, I haven't fully moved on from academia yet. Maybe I love the structure it gives or the ease of socialization when you're in your early 20s being stuck with the same people in the same class throughout the years.

I feel like I'm chasing the long gone glory days of my youth because I cant quite force myself to move on. It's a problem, I know. Yet I'm still so stuck in my ways and I find it hard to get out of the hole I dug myself into. I feel like I've lost momentum in my life and picking back up the pieces is harder than continuing what's been done for the past 4 years. It's mostly my fault. I stopped in my tracks right after I graduated because working on my undergrad thesis gave me terrible pains, both mentally and physically. I felt burnt out, a lot of it due to the pandemic. I wish I got the full 4 years of experience but alas. No use in hypotheticals now. What's done is done, and yet I can't help but yearn for a better me. Why am I not as accomplished as my peers?

Maybe it's a superiority complex, or maybe the inverse is true. I can't help but feel other people are progressing much faster in life than me, so why even bother? It's easy to blame myself, and, well, I am to blame for my shortcomings; but at the same time I shouldn't wallow in self-hatred or self-pity for too long. I know this for a fact but I'm frustrated at myself that I can't act upon it. My brain is telling me the right thing but my body refuses. Something refuses.

I'm drinking a cup of coffee as I'm typing this. I wrote a poem yesterday about tea. I've been letting myself be inspired by the mundane things in life and jotting down notes and ideas on my phone. Maybe it's time to write another zine? Maybe after the long-awaited con?

Sometimes I wish I was more like other people. More put-together —even if it's only on the surface, more willing to go with the flow, less stuck in their ways and less hung up about small things. But I guess those things are what makes me an artist, huh? There I go again justifying my flaws as something intrinsic to my creative process. It's a problem. I'm trying to get better.

I've been liking a specific herbal tea- Liang tea, made up of roots and herbs to debloat you. I find it nice to have something unsweetened to drink and something without caffeine. Sometimes I want to drink something in the evening that won't affect my circadian rhythm. Speaking of which, I've only slept for 3 hours (had trouble sleeping, too high on life and the joys of friendship) but I'm determined to get through the day though sheer will. Maybe I'll crash out later, maybe I won't.

Individuality is such a core personality of mine. I want to be different, I want to be unique, I want to be authentically me, and sometimes I struggle with the idea that people change. It's scary seeing people you've known for years change. It's scary facing that reality. It's terrifying coming to terms with the fact that the version of you now will be foreign to yourself years later down the line. How do I grapple with changing friendships with changing people? We're all only human. I'm so stuck in my ways and individuality that it will be my downfall.

I tried a new instant coffee, an avocado coffee. It was mostly added flavor that gave it its taste since it was only like, what, 0.08% avocado powder? And it was too sweet for my liking even with their label advertising "lower sugar." It's fine but nothing special, I don't think i'll be buying it again. As much as I want to be a snob about coffee, some days I can't be bothered to break out the v60 and having to clean it afterwards. I do like unsweetened, milk coffee but I'm picky about what beans go with milk because I think a lot of arabica coffee is just straight up sour and not to my liking. Robusta gives me tummy aches.

I'm scared of change. I'm scared of change. I wish things stayed the same; I wish things worked the same as it did years ago. The future scares me. Uncertainty scares me. No matter have many out-there teas and coffees I try, deep down inside I crave for certainty in my life. I have to step forward. But it's scary. I wish I had a different way of wrapping this up. But I don't.