July 13th, 2025: (I'm not) Moving Out

My younger brother has gotten accepted into a state university across the island, so he'll live with my grandparents while pursuing his degree. My parents were estatic when they got the news; my grandparents live far away from their kids and they've lost a son recently (my uncle). Suffice to say my brother will be going to university in the same city where I finished my studies, I want to ruminate on that for a bit because it's good to word vomit like this than let everything cloud my judgement

I'm the eldest grandchild from my mother's side, so obviously I was pampered quite a bit, living with my grandparents. 7 years ago they still drove cars and were able to drive me to places around the city (I did not and still do not have a driver's liscense). With old age they decided to stop driving and stick to ride-hailing apps to get around now. Since my brother is learning how to drive, my mom wanted to accompany him while his orientation period is ongiong, driving him if need be. I was a fish out of water during my orientation period. I didn't have a printer back then, so I had to make do with pricont shops far away from home or print at-campus which was expensive per page. Yeah, orientation makes you print out a lot of stuff, mostly as a covert way for you to get your bearings around campus and get used to the city. Now my brother has a printer (during my thesis-writing days, my parents finally caved and bought a second printer for me to print out my thesis drafts).

I sort of feel bad for the lengths my grandparents went through to accomodate me- I lived a cushy life and my uni experience wasn't all that different. Since my grandparents' house is big, my friends often hung out in my HQ to cook together, play games, or have pseudo-meetings for the old community I was apart of. I wasn't stuck with stuffy kos-kosans that was the size of a closet.

Anyways, I'm talking about all of this because, obviously, I have regrets. But what's life without them, really? I wish I was more outgoing in my freshman year and less a stickler for rules. I wish I went out more and socialized with my peers a lot more instead of constantly burrying my nose in my studies. Sure, my grades are pretty good, but due to grade inflation even my not-so-bright peers get away with decent grades.

I also feel like I haven't experienced true autonomy. I had a loose curfew and I didn't want to worry my grandparents, they cook meals for me to eat, they have a helper that cleans up, like obviously I was very priviledged to have all those resources at my disposal. And yet I feel like I didn't get a taste of true freedom that my other peers might have experienced when they live on their own, having to cook their own meals and do their own laundry and all that nitty gritty. Wow, typing that out loud makes me look like a rich douchebag. But that is what it is. It's been 3 years since I've graduated and I still yearn for academia. Maybe once I get my masters I can truly move out and live on my own, that is, if I could get the funds for it first (yeah, no, I'm not doing student loan bullshit)

I struggle with conventional jobs and I struggle with freelance jobs. I'm autistic and usually people could clock something's "quirky" about me. I dress eccentrically and make no effort in hiding how opiniated I am about things. I get anxiety over sending job applications and I'm picky about where I would work at because of ideological reasons. My mother raised me to become stubborn in my belief system but man they're right when they say you'll have to make some morally iffy choices when you're in the workforce.

My brother has a clearer vision of what he wants to be compared to me. I was struggling to figure out what I want to be up until sophomore year of college. And even then it seems out of reach. I still feel dependent on my parents and I want to be able to break out of that mold

But sometimes, I'm grounded in the reality that I live in. While this is going on I'm having some trouble with my monthly psychiatrist visit, and now I'm going to have to be 3 weeks late to my monthly check-up for reasons beyond my control. Even in small things, like getting medication or getting to and from the hospital sometimes requires help from my parents. Not saying I feel bad, that's what parents are supposed to do, but I am aware that I need to rely on other people to thrive, or hell, maybe just survive.

It's daunting to be faced with the idea that I'll never be truly independent in the truest sense of the word. I still need a lot of communal help to make it in this world. I'll need to build similar support systems and networks in whatever new place I decide to stay in, if, God willing, I get accepted to either an out-of-town job or university program. It's terrifying to me because it requires I step out of my comfort zone and try new things, things which I May Be Bad At. But I keep telling myself that's what life is. Nobody knows better than me what I'm like and what my needs are. I should stop self-infantilizing myself but it's so! hard!.

When you're sheltered for most of your life of course stepping out of your bubble witll be terrifying. Of course I'll need to make the leap of faith sooner rather than later. Of course I need to put on my big girl pants and face reality. Of course I feel left out from my peers because I've been denying myself this leap for So Long. And Yet. I find myself doomscrolling and bedrotting more often than not. It frustrates me deeply and I know the onus is on me to break that cycle. I try. But man is it easy to be a doomer about these things.

My brother is moving out of my parents' house --at least temporarily, and I'm not.