16-Sept-2025: Impostor Syndrome and Other Spells

I've had an onset of anxiety just about now, so I thought it would be a good idea to chronicle my thoughts and emotions so I can work towards a better me.

I've been preparing my next merch drop and I think this is the point where I question if anything I'm even doing is worth pursuing. Obviously, I am of the mindset that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, so these thoughts aren't forged by the logical, concious-side of my brain. It's much more sinister- creeping beneath the surface of my psyche.

I just got a necklace stand in the mail, and I immediately took pictures of my necklaces to put in my catalogue. The doubts then started to settle in. Thoughts like does anyone even want to buy my crafts? Should I just give up? Is my jewelry too childish and amateurish? I have all this stock and very few are being sold and yes- the concious, rational part of my brain has made the executive decision to not care about sale numbers and figures and profits and all that jazz. Yet my subconcious always thinks about it and compared myself to other people. Other people with conventionally better standards of success.

It's fun, making a catalogue. Graphic design is my passion and all that- and yet I feel always inadequate when I compare myself to other people who have been in the game for longer than I have. Again, silly thought. Rationally I know it takes skill and time and experience to achieve my goals. But then I realized that my goals aren't to become successful. I'm content with who I am and what I do right now, and yet there's this screaming void in my head always begging me to do more, expand, grow, exponentially profit, add more things to your resume, get a master's degree, get a real office job, and things like that.

I don't know a lot of things. But I know I'm happy with who I am right now and the paths I've taken. I've chosen to take things slow and at my own pace. I've prioritized my artwork, my craft, and my writing over everything else financially. That's the road I want to travel. But these doubts, man. I can't get them out of my head. I should bring this up with my psychiatrist.

I'm so happy that I get to print out my artwork and network with other artists and crafters, I really do! I don't want to chase profits because that's not who I am. But it's hard not to compare myself with others when social media forces me to look at other people's success stories. It doesnt help that very few people post their failures online.

There I go, rambling again. This was meant to be a vent, so I guess goal achieved? What's my takeaway here? I have two wolves inside of me and one is the pragmatic subconcious while the other is the idealist concious. They're always fighting in my head and sometimes the pragmatic one takes over and I am haunted by visions of self-doubt and inadequacy. It's just who I am, it's normal to feel self-doubt, I just need to keep it in check and not let it become crippling again. I am doing well, I am exploring different avenues in life, I am not conventionally successful, but I am happy and stable. That's what matters. I will not succumb to these thoughts of self-doubt, because I know better than to give into my doomer psyche.

Making art is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be for the people. It's supposed to be for the community. Not profit. Those are the ideals that I hold onto.