Saturday, March 22nd 2025: Spiralling

I haven't been feeling like myself for the past day, so I'm taking the time to type out my thoughts on this blog. I used to do this often on my old blogger site, but didn't continue once I had that perfectionist streak in me. Starting something new frees you of any expectations of living up to your legacy, or something. That's probably why I feel more relaxed writing here than anywhere else at the moment. On social media you're always expected to perform a certain level of polish as well as become #relatable yet #genuine. I hated drafting posts and thinking about how others might percieve it. I hate having to know the "optimal times" to post something. I hate jumping through hoops and trying out reels for engagement. I want to break free of these constraints. I want to be myself in a way that isn't affected by all of the potential eyes on me

For real though, that's this about? I think I've been dissociating somewhat and spending more time in the dumps. I've been candid about this but I'm not exactly the most neurotypical person out there. I have a handful of comorbidities that sometimes makes it hard for me to function. If I didn't have the support network I have right now I would've long been a goner. Sometimes certain triggers develop or sneak up on me. Reading about it sends me into a crisis and all I want to do is lie down and rot. I'm glad I have the connections to cope without falling into a deep depression.

I have some things to do; I'll need to do inventory and get ready to set up shop for my jewelry brand. Have I mentioned I make beaded jewelry? It's one of my most recent crafting endeavors and I've been enjoying it a lot. I gotta make space for new works somehow and fund that hobby so selling it is. I don't have that entrepreneurial dog in me, unfortunately. My old school tried "fostering" the grindset in students but that went nowhere for me. I love having fun, drawing and playing and being whimsical, to me detriment. I'll need to think about the logistics of selling while my friends help me out along the way

I'm set to booth at comifuro 20 this may, and it's going to be my first time boothing at any con as a seller! I want to check it off my bucket list and try out new things, besides, that's what being in your 20s ought to encompass. I've been pretty directionless after finising my undergrad. General malaise and melancholy, all that stuff. I think I needed some time off, and to do some soul-searching. I don't know how that's going but... It's going alright

That's a lot of text, again. I just needed to write something incoherent to pick myself up and focus on something other than doomscrolling. I think I need to reduce my screen time (neocities doesn't count! i love browsing websites). The social media algorithm has me in a chokehold and I want to be free of it. I'll be playing my backlog of games on itchio I got from charity bundles and hope not to succumb for too long. Cheers