Saturday, May 3rd 2025: Weekly Update

I'm currently writing this at 11PM while still reeling from the effects of caffeine. I had an oat milk latte since I bought oat milk on clearance. I also bought instant mac n cheese that wasn't all that good. Oh well. I went to my psychiatrist today and got a partial med refill. I've been looking back on the past few months and how it reminds me of my good old days.

You see, I wasn't always this anxious when going outside alone. I used to do it a lot during my undergrad years, but something changed somewhere along the way and I was suddenly so frail and sickly, too anxious to even ride the bus by myself, when in undergrad I was going with the wind and hanging out with friends until too late in the evening.

I miss the freedoms I had when I didn't have the sudden onset of anxiety. I'm slowly getting back there, through baby steps. I love the freedoms that it gives me. I want to be able to become independent, but it's so... daunting. I've shunted the prospect of studying abroad for a while now because I realized I needed at least a caretaker with me. That's just the reality that I live in and I've accepted that. Other people around me might overestimate me because they don't know me that well.

Do you know how scary it is navigating a foreign healthcare system? I barely get by in my own home country(!) That's really the big thing that's holding me back, anxiety and every singlepsychosomatic thing tacked onto it. My gut problems specifically. Ever since I got back on meds I could drink coffee again without an acid flare-up. I used to chug coffee on an empty stomach in undergrad! No problems at all! Oh how times have changed. How much I've changed.

I glanced at my patient papers and realized I'm almost halfway to my next birthday. How scary. How intimidating. I feel like I haven't achieved anything tangible in the past 5 months, like I don't deserve the past half year. I'm stuck in limbo and I only have myself to blame. Sad!

All jokes aside I'm doing pretty well and am getting my life back on track. I still rue the day when I'll have to get a typical office 9-to-5 but oh well! I've been happier as of late and have more pep in my step so to speak -Is that how the saying goes? Con prep is going well -although it could go more smoothly- and I'm writing a lot more poetry lately! yipee!

The gramedia subscription is doing me good because I've been reading some (good) books, poetry or otherwise, from authors I wouldn't have encountered organically. "Giving Off Smoke" and "Batu Ibu" are my current reads and I'm starting to like them a lot! It's been inspiring me to write more -reading but also going out and experiencing the world.

I went to the library with a friend last week and we read some poetry books, it did me so good I'm on a writing streak. So much so I might me putting off con prep. Oops! Also! I'm in the process of tidying up some code (i need to make my site neater) but I'm putting that off until con prep and poetry book is sorted!! I gotta divide my time between these three projects and a NEET I don't know how employed people do this and still pump out content.

That's enough rambling I think! I hope you all are well. I'll be heading to bed now. Caffeine is slowly waning. Good night.